Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

I tend to only write when I have something happy, pleasant, or exciting to write about. When I am sad, worried, angry, or scared, I usually keep to myself to work it out and don't have much to say. Today, I'm having a hard time dealing with something and decided I need to reach out for help, advice, or encouragement rather than hole up like I usually do.

I have something to be very excited about today... and I AM excited. I am going to visit my sister in her new home in Kansas City! I am very excited. I'm excited to see her, I'm excited to help her organize and decorate her new place, I'm excited for four full days with her - four days that I really don't have to share with anyone else. I haven't been out to visit her in a year and a half (she's been coming here instead). I went once while I was pregnant, and haven't gotten the courage up since then to take Gavin on a plane and go see her. But now she has this new home and she needs a whole lotta estrogen (a.k.a. a sister) to help her make it feel like home! Not only does she need me there, I need to go there! I need to see her, to check out her new digs, to feel like I'm part of this new place. I want to go! I want to take her out to dinner at the place that will become her new favorite restaurant, and take her shopping for what she needs for the house, and make her coffee in the morning with her broken coffee maker. I can't WAIT to get on that plane.

But! ...but, amid all of my excitement, my heart is breaking. I decided not to put Gavin on that plane. I decided Gavin would be better off at home, with his Daddy, in his own house, with his own bed and his own toys, and his Grandmas and Grandpas. I decided he wouldn't enjoy the plane ride at all and although he would love to be with me and my sister, he would miss his Daddy and his bed and he wouldn't get enough sleep. ...and as selfish as it sounds, I probably need the time away from him too. I've never been away from him for 24 hours and it will be 104 hours by the time I get home on Sunday. ...and yes, of course I counted the hours. As I gave Gavin his bottle last night and he drowsily looked up at me, twirling my hair in his fingers, I could barely imagine four nights without holding him while he melted in the comfort of my arms, drifting into a doziness that only a warm bottle and momma's arms can bring. I could barely imagine missing four nights of laying him down in his bed, pulling up his blankie and his little Bla-bla puppy, and watching him roll over onto his belly, little diapered bottom up in the air, blankie curled up into a ball under his belly. I cried because I'll miss him, because I don't want him to miss me, because he won't understand why I'm not there, and I don't want him to wonder if I've abandoned him, because I don't think anyone else can snuggle him quite like I do. I know he'll be okay, and Cliff is the best Daddy in the world and I know he'll give Gavin all the love and care that he needs. And yet, I feel like a horrible parent. I feel like I'm abandoning my baby. I feel like I'm going to be jumping on a plane by Friday to come back home and hold him. I feel like we should have bought two webcams and subscribed to SKYPE so Gavin could see and talk to me while I'm away. So, I could kiss him good night.

Okay, I need to take a deep breath. I need to ask my family and friends to stop by and snuggle Gavin softly and gently, like I do. To take care of Gavin for an hour so Cliff can have a little break that they'll probably both need. To take Gavin for a walk so Cliff can do a load of laundry, take the diapers out, mow the lawn, or just make himself a sandwich. I need to stop worrying, stop thinking about this, and just enjoy my vacation, my valuable time with my sister, my getaway that is just about me and her. I need to let myself sleep in, lay in the sun, shop 'til I drop, enjoy.

Sorry if this post is a downer, it's not like me to confer when I'm down. Just thought maybe you'd have some encouragement for me today, which would be very helfpul!!! Say a little prayer that Gavin and his Daddy have a great weekend and that I remember to enjoy my four days of freedom! : )


Erin said...

Have the best time ever to make it worth the time away. :) You'll be amazed at how awesome it is to get home and see how great Cliff did (sorry Cliff - of course you'll be fine, but it's still a worry for any mom, I think) and how much has changed and stayed the same in your short time away. Something that helped me when I was away for a week was bringing something of Chloe's along with me, to look at, hold and snuggle.

Prayers for a fun trip, some good father/son bonding and for a comforting return home.

rutzie said...

OMG. I'm calling you right now